We live in suburbia. Most of the stick-up-their-asses, self important, blowhards that live around here drive the extra 8 miles to pay WAY TOO MUCH for “organic” groceries at Whole Foods. I’m all for being healthy, but we have other organic grocery stores much closer, but where else can you buy absolutely nothing and pay 60 bucks for it? In protest, and laziness (mostly laziness) I shop at the local Wal-Mart. There is nothing better than going to Wal-Mart when you’re having a shitty day. Wait, reverse that, it’s the WORST thing you can do. THE. WORST.

I got to work just after 5:30 this morning and I worked until 4:45. It was a LONG ASS DAY. I even managed to get a 4 mile run in instead of going to lunch. Anyway, I booked it out of the office after my last meeting so I could run home to make dinner for the girls. Of course I needed a handful of groceries, so I had to make the dreaded stop at the mart. It took all of about 10 minutes to grab everything I need. I head to the lines and they were long. Like WTF long. Of course I pick the shortest line, which turned out to be 45 minutes longer than all the other lines combined. Why, you may ask? The 22 year old meth-ed out dipshit in front of me was, “…just approved for the Wal-Mart credit card this morning, so I don’t have the card yet. What you have to do is select credit card and then type in CO and then my license number.” This of course didn’t work. “No seriously, I just bought a gift card this morning. It works. Try it again.” Nope. Didn’t work. They went back and forth at this for a while. About 8 minutes into the back and forth, I turned, leaned against the conveyor belt, and muttered, “You have got to be kidding me.” The guy in line behind me said, and I quote, “It builds character.” I scoffed and said something like, “I guess.” The follow-up was the best part. “I could take you out for a drink after this. If you want.”

Is this really happening? Am I being hit on in line at the mart? Mind you, I’m no Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie. I’m a fat old mom, and today I took a run at lunch and wrapped my split ends into a bun that I rocked for the better half of a day. On top of that, my feet were (still are) SUPER stinky. The strangest thing is that this is not the first time I’ve been hit on at this Wal-Mart. Believe it or not, I was asked to dinner by Travis Henry formerly of the Denver Broncos. I had no idea who he was, but since we live VERY close to the training facility I figured he was a football player (he is HUMONGOUS!) so I looked up the roster online and sure enough it was Travis. When I bragged to the hubs, he said, “Impressive. He has 8 kids by 7 different women. You could be number 8.” I thought about it for a second, but thought it was better that I passed.

The moral of the story, if I ever get divorced, I’m gonna get dolled up and troll the Wal-Mart. You really never know what you’re going to find. Whatever it is, it’s sure to be all class.

Diet Ginger Beer…. We are MFEO (Made For Each Other).

I’m sitting on my couch watching the Jon Jones/Daniel Cormier UFC fight tonight with the hubs, and I (the hubs) have found the love of my life, diet (0 calorie) ginger beer. If you’re thinking “uhhhhh?”, then eat a bag of dicks. Moscow mules are the combo of vodka, lime and ginger beer. They’re vodka tonics but with ginger to soothe the stomach and cover the vodka taste. If you use diet ginger beer, as we have tonight, they are DANGEROUS. Dangerously good and, compared to the original version, virtually calorie free.

Now, diet ginger beer is over $8.00 for a 6 pack, but well worth it. Each drink is 90 calories… a bargain at twice the price. I’m one round into the fight and hammered… a joy for all involved.

Lesson for the night – Get some monogrammed copper cups and some diet ginger beer on amazon.com and you’ll be set!