You’ve all heard it. I know you have.

“I deserve to be happy.”

“I deserve to find love.”

“I deserve that raise.”

“I deserve respect.”

What is really being said is, “I feel entitled to_______.” Using the word deserve when referring to yourself is such a jackass move. If you REALLY deserved something, and I mean really, really deserve it, you would have it. At the risk of people thinking I am crazy – and let’s face it, I don’t care if they do – when people say the actual word “deserve” in a sentence referring to themselves, they strip away gratitude or acknowledgement of hard work. Let me use the quotes above as examples.

Example 1: “I deserve to be happy.”

Why? Why do you DESERVE that? There isn’t a happiness fairy that comes by at night and slips happiness into the hearts of deserving people. Happiness is a choice – or so I’m told, I’m not sure I really know what it is, but I sure as shit know it’s not something I DESERVE. Choose to be happy. Choose to be kind, choose to be giving, choose to care as much about others as you do yourself, and you will be happy. Do that and stop thinking about what you deserve, and you will be happy. FUCK.

Happiness is hard work. It’s stuffing down all the shit that makes you miserable, deep, deep down and finding the light in the dark and not dismissing it, but rather going toward it. It’s looking at the smile on your niece’s face, choking back the tears welling in your eyes, and the swelling feeling of despair because you can’t have your own children, and realizing that life would be oh-so-much worse without this love, this face, this charm and being grateful in it. When you do that, you will be happy… not just deserving of it.

Example 2: “I deserve to find love.” Again, WHY?

Maybe the reason you haven’t found the “love” you think you “deserve” is because you are a self-involved prick with unrealistic expectations of the world, people and what they owe you. And quite frankly, ain’t nobody got time for that. I love the scene from another Academy Award winning movie, The Wedding Date starring Debra Messing and Dermot Mulroney:

Kat : You say, and I quote, “Every woman has the exact love life she wants. ” That seems a
broad generalization…
Do you honestly believe that I want to be single and miserable?
Do you think that I want to be hung up on some guy who led me on for years and out of the blue shattered my heart?

Nick: First of all, there’s no such thing as out of the blue. And second of all, yeah.

Kat: What?

Nick: When you’re ready to let go, to be un-single and un-miserable, you will. Till then…

How about them apples. Stop obsessing about what should happen, and start making it happen. If things aren’t working doing what you’ve always done, do something else. I’ve been married a LOOOOOOONNNNNNGGGGGG time. One of the best things my husband said to me early on is, “I could have married a lot of people and been happy, been in love. I’m happiest and most in love with you.” At first I was a bit butt hurt. I was like, Wait! I’m not the only person you have ever loved, and if I’m not… You can actually imagine being in love and happy with someone else?? You know what? Get a recorder out, this almost never happens, but wait for it…. He was right. Since he said that, I started to realize there are a lot of things I love about a lot of people. There are also a lot of things I hate about a lot of people. Being “in love” is simply a matter of finding someone who’s things you love outweigh the things you hate AND THEN focusing on the former instead of the latter. Love is hard work. Rewarding, but hard. Find the light in that darkness, choosing what you are going to focus on, is up to you. You are the one who controls what outcome you get.

Example 3: “I deserve that raise.” No, no you don’t. If you did, you’d have it.

If you haven’t gotten that raise (replace “raise” with respect, responsibility, promotion, title, etc.) then you have missed something. Your employer doesn’t OWE you anything other than what you agreed to when you were hired. If you think you deserve more, you sure as shit better communicate it and make your case for it. Rare is it that someone will offer up something to you in your career just because. People as assholes and people working for corporations are even worse. If you feel like you have EARNED something, fight for it. If you don’t get it, do MORE, fight HARDER. If you still don’t get it, take that experience and leverage it with someone who will start with the agreement you were looking to work to at the last place. Hard work and determination yields results, NOT the feeling of entitlement. Stop being a bitch for christ’s sake.

Example 4: See example 3.

The gist of this rant is, the only thing that people “deserve” is what’s coming to them. It’s a negative… always a negative. Stop shrouding yourself in the negative of what you deserve and start being grateful for what you have and celebrate the hard work it took to get here. When you are done celebrating start thinking about your next milestones. Stop thinking about what you’ve done to “deserve” what you think you want, and start making a plan to achieve it. Plus, if I have to hear one more co-worker or barren girlfriend talk about what they deserve, I’m going to give it to them… in the form of a swift kick in the ass. Choke on that.