Hitch nailed it. Yes, I am referring to Alex Hitchins (Will Smith) in the 5 star, academy award winning, romantic comedy, Hitch.

“You’re sending all the right signals. No earrings, heels under two inches, your hair pulled back… reading glasses with no book, drinking a Grey Goose martini, which means you had a hell of a week and a beer just wouldn’t do it. If that wan’t clear enough… there’s always the “fuck off” that you have stamped across your forehead.” Hitch addressing Sara (Eva Mendez – basically my twin).

Absolutely perfect.

I recently experienced a sort of, vaguely, could be considered similar, scenario . Let me set the scene:

I was at our local Irish pub on Friday night, 5:00 pm bellied up to the bar. Jeans, blouse, Five Lamps and a book. Yes… a book, at a bar, on a Friday night – and not 50 Shades of Grey, but Nudge – a behavioral economics book. Super sexy, right? Let me also disclose, I’m 37 going on 54. I have 19 and 17 year old kids. I’m not a 37 like January Jones:

          I’m more of an Ally Sheedy:

        Only fatter an pretty fucking old – aka, nothing to look at.

So I’m sitting there, trying to slam as many beers as I can before I have to leave to pick the husband up from the train station and I hear, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” I didn’t even look up to say, “I don’t think so.” I assumed my disinterest in talking to another human being was pretty clear. That assumption lasted about 12 and a half minutes before I heard, “So, what book are you reading?” I wanted to be a total dick and say something like, “Seriously? Book, bar, GET A CLUE.” Instead, I closed the book cover, placed the book on the bar, picked up my glass, downed the last half of my beer, sighed [quietly] and said, “Nudge.”

“Huh. What’s that about?”

“Behavior architecture.”

Blank stare.

“Purchasing behaviors and marketing influence.”

“OH! I worked for 3M printers, 20 years ago in sales!”

Really? That’s shocking. Judging by your toupee, I would have guessed porn. Not really… he was actually really nice and I’m sure just looking for a little social interaction on a Friday night, but there were 30 other people sitting around that bar. NONE of whom were reading a book. For the love of god [or flying spaghetti monster], WHY ME??

Guys, if a “woman” is reading a book at a bar, you can assume she wants to drink her beer quietly, without interruption, ALONE. This applies no matter how old, innocent your intentions, or porn-tastic your wig is.

PSA delivered.