What happens when your fat ass gains 40 pounds in 4 years? You have to go to the gym – that’s the punishment. What happens when you don’t go to the gym? You stay fat – that’s the punishment. At least that WAS the punishment. I’ve gotta lose 40 pounds, visit the page “Losing My Mind AND My Fat Ass” to follow my progress and share in the CRAZY way I’m going to reach my goal.

Hitch nailed it. Yes, I am referring to Alex Hitchins (Will Smith) in the 5 star, academy award winning, romantic comedy, Hitch.

“You’re sending all the right signals. No earrings, heels under two inches, your hair pulled back… reading glasses with no book, drinking a Grey Goose martini, which means you had a hell of a week and a beer just wouldn’t do it. If that wan’t clear enough… there’s always the “fuck off” that you have stamped across your forehead.” Hitch addressing Sara (Eva Mendez – basically my twin).

Absolutely perfect.

I recently experienced a sort of, vaguely, could be considered similar, scenario . Let me set the scene:

I was at our local Irish pub on Friday night, 5:00 pm bellied up to the bar. Jeans, blouse, Five Lamps and a book. Yes… a book, at a bar, on a Friday night – and not 50 Shades of Grey, but Nudge – a behavioral economics book. Super sexy, right? Let me also disclose, I’m 37 going on 54. I have 19 and 17 year old kids. I’m not a 37 like January Jones:

          I’m more of an Ally Sheedy:

        Only fatter an pretty fucking old – aka, nothing to look at.

So I’m sitting there, trying to slam as many beers as I can before I have to leave to pick the husband up from the train station and I hear, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” I didn’t even look up to say, “I don’t think so.” I assumed my disinterest in talking to another human being was pretty clear. That assumption lasted about 12 and a half minutes before I heard, “So, what book are you reading?” I wanted to be a total dick and say something like, “Seriously? Book, bar, GET A CLUE.” Instead, I closed the book cover, placed the book on the bar, picked up my glass, downed the last half of my beer, sighed [quietly] and said, “Nudge.”

“Huh. What’s that about?”

“Behavior architecture.”

Blank stare.

“Purchasing behaviors and marketing influence.”

“OH! I worked for 3M printers, 20 years ago in sales!”

Really? That’s shocking. Judging by your toupee, I would have guessed porn. Not really… he was actually really nice and I’m sure just looking for a little social interaction on a Friday night, but there were 30 other people sitting around that bar. NONE of whom were reading a book. For the love of god [or flying spaghetti monster], WHY ME??

Guys, if a “woman” is reading a book at a bar, you can assume she wants to drink her beer quietly, without interruption, ALONE. This applies no matter how old, innocent your intentions, or porn-tastic your wig is.

PSA delivered.