As I mentioned, I work for a multi-billion dollar company, in the marketing department. You would think that I work with super smart, super qualified people, but nope. I work with people who are really good self-promoters, mostly. I’m not good at self promotion, so I’ll most likely never go anywhere, unless it’s out the door with my belongings in a box. You might be asking yourself, “Why would she stay? What’s keeping her there?” It’s a pretty easy question to answer. I’m over-paid and the job is a cake walk.

Now, I’m not an “easy-going” type, so on a regular basis my job pisses me right the hell off. Actually, it’s no the job, it’s the people. If I didn’t have to talk to anyone, EVER, I would LOOOOOVE my job, but I’m in marking so that ain’t gonna happen. Recently, I’ve taken to jotting down when someone I work with says something really, really, really stupid so I can come home and share it with my husband and kids and we can all share a laugh at the expense of the idiots I work with. It makes me feel better about myself while they’re getting their promotions and raises – sort of like getting dressed (not dressed up, just out of my pajamas) and doing my grocery shopping at Wal-mart. AND, if I get this much joy out of the stupid shit stupid people say, I really ought to share it. Don’t you agree?

So far I’ve heard:

“Let me preference this by saying…..” Preference it? Really? I think you mean preface, jackhole.

Preference = that which is preferred

Preface = something preliminary or introductory

“Is that hitting below the line?” Nope, but your idiocy is hitting below the belt.

“I’ll be going through this presentation with a fine toothed eye.” THANK GOD. Better make sure there isn’t anything in the presentation that’s going to make you sound stupid.

“We need to get our ducks together.” How ’bout you get your shit together, then you can get your ducks in a row.

“We have to consume the role of partner.” As I was typing, I actually spelled it “roll” as in an item you would actually consume. For now, I’ll just assume you are also WAY over-paid.

“It’s the higher arking message.” It’s the higher place of protection or security; refuge; asylum message? Nope. Wrong. Try again asshat.

“Are we all in agreeance?” That you’re a moron? Yep… we’re all in agreeance.

“We had a loop thrown at us.” Seriously? Did it hurt? I bet you can get workers comp for that shit, or at the very least some sick days to address your PTSD.

There are more, I just can’t think of them right now – I’ll have to go through my notes and post the rest. My husband routinely asks why I don’t correct them. My answer, “Why would I?” These dipshits are the people that make my life miserable. They would feed me to a pack of rabid wolves if they could. So instead I take notes, mock and laugh.

Of course, I will be updating after each meeting I’m in. I’m not sure when I made it through a meeting without some stupid person saying something stupid.