Month: January 2015

If I’m Ever Single, Wal-Mart… Watch Out!

| butisaidit

We live in suburbia. Most of the stick-up-their-asses, self important, blowhards that live around here drive the extra 8 miles to pay WAY TOO MUCH for “organic” groceries at Whole Foods. I’m all for being healthy, but we have other organic grocery stores much closer, but where else can you buy absolutely nothing and pay 60 bucks for it? In protest, and laziness (mostly laziness) I shop at the local Wal-Mart. There is nothing better than going to Wal-Mart when you’re having a shitty day. Wait, reverse that, it’s the WORST thing you can do. THE. WORST.

I got to work just after 5:30 this morning and I worked until 4:45. It was a LONG ASS DAY. I even managed to get a 4 mile run in instead of going to lunch. Anyway, I booked it out of the office after my last meeting so I could run home to make dinner for the girls. Of course I needed a handful of groceries, so I had to make the dreaded stop at the mart. It took all of about 10 minutes to grab everything I need. I head to the lines and they were long. Like WTF long. Of course I pick the shortest line, which turned out to be 45 minutes longer than all the other lines combined. Why, you may ask? The 22 year old meth-ed out dipshit in front of me was, “…just approved for the Wal-Mart credit card this morning, so I don’t have the card yet. What you have to do is select credit card and then type in CO and then my license number.” This of course didn’t work. “No seriously, I just bought a gift card this morning. It works. Try it again.” Nope. Didn’t work. They went back and forth at this for a while. About 8 minutes into the back and forth, I turned, leaned against the conveyor belt, and muttered, “You have got to be kidding me.” The guy in line behind me said, and I quote, “It builds character.” I scoffed and said something like, “I guess.” The follow-up was the best part. “I could take you out for a drink after this. If you want.”

Is this really happening? Am I being hit on in line at the mart? Mind you, I’m no Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie. I’m a fat old mom, and today I took a run at lunch and wrapped my split ends into a bun that I rocked for the better half of a day. On top of that, my feet were (still are) SUPER stinky. The strangest thing is that this is not the first time I’ve been hit on at this Wal-Mart. Believe it or not, I was asked to dinner by Travis Henry formerly of the Denver Broncos. I had no idea who he was, but since we live VERY close to the training facility I figured he was a football player (he is HUMONGOUS!) so I looked up the roster online and sure enough it was Travis. When I bragged to the hubs, he said, “Impressive. He has 8 kids by 7 different women. You could be number 8.” I thought about it for a second, but thought it was better that I passed.

The moral of the story, if I ever get divorced, I’m gonna get dolled up and troll the Wal-Mart. You really never know what you’re going to find. Whatever it is, it’s sure to be all class.

Weigh-in Week 2 (but 3 weeks in)

| butisaidit

I had a little bout with a head cold that put me out for a while. Needless to say, working out and I had to go on a break. During this time, I also ate whatever the hell I wanted – after all, I felt MISERABLE so I HAD to comfort myself. Since I ate what ever wanted, I didn’t dare weigh myself on Thursday. I waited until I started feeling better and was able to resume my exercise and then I weighed in. I weighed in at 186.4. I’m down .6 pounds… not quite the 4 pounds I was hoping for after 2 weeks, but I’ll take it. Now that I’m feeling pretty good, I’m back to that 5 days a week thing. Here goes nothing… Again.

I decided in order to help things along, I am going to start taking breakfast and lunch to work. Hopefully it will make by ass thinner and my wallet thicker. Today I had 1/4 cup fat free cottage cheese, Yoplait Greek yogurt, and 4 ounces of a sweet potato with the peel for breakfast. For lunch I had 1 cup of homemade pork chili verde with 2 tablespoons of reduced fat cheddar cheese. Dinner, well that was a disaster. I made the girls chipotle shrimp tacos with a tomatillo avocado salsa, I don’t like shrimp, so I ate 3 No-Bake cookies. UGH…. Aunt Flo, you’re killin me!

Petulant Designer

| butisaidit

Marketing = Creatives

Creative = Emotion

Me = Apathetic

I’m no math whiz, but I can put 2 and 2 together.

2. I’m what can best be describe as “a dude”. I am vulgar, perverted, fun loving, BEER loving, mildly social, thick skinned and quite blunt. When I attempt be be politically correct it usually comes across as insincere.

2. [Most] creative people (graphic designers, copywriters, etc.) “exhibit heightened emotional sensitivity”. – Don’t get your panties in a wad, creatives… that “” part came from a list I found on the interwebs at http://thesecondprinciple.com/creativity/creativetraits.

* Before I put 2 and 2 together, let me say that I work with 6 creatives and there is only ONE for whom heightened emotional sensitivity is an issue. It is to this person I am referring.

Now for the math:

2 + 2 =

nobodhi.blogspot.com
nobodhi.blogspot.com

Clearly I bootlegged this photo from Google images because it was AWESOME, just like me, but you get the point. Hopefully this yogi blog won’t serve me with a cease and desist. I assigned this designer a project titled, “Emergency Response Infographic”. What I got looked a lot like this:

BCU NOT like my example SharePoint-Disaster-Recovery-3

My conversation to address this issue resulted in such a outlandish, childish response that I could hardly believe I was standing in a professional office, it felt more like a gym daycare. Seriously, the only thing missing from the tantrum was the whole flat on the back scene, where arms and legs are flailing up and down to provide a dirty blue mat a well-deserved beating. The only thing I could do was roll my eyes and say, “I have two teenage daughters, I’m not going to deal with this shit at work, Gwennie (referencing the biggest celebrity twat I could think of, Gweneth Paltrow)”. The Gwennie thing was totally lost on him. Yep, this designer is male. Don’t mistake that for a dude, guy or even a man… he is none of these. He is a petulant, juvenile, twat.

Of course there is going to have to be some managerial intervention here, but as far as I’m concerned this is not the first tantrum, eye-roll sigh-fest I have had to endure with this waste of space, but it will be the last. The thing about being a female “Dude” is that you play well, and work well with others, so people like you for the most part. This means when it comes down to a he said, she said or your versus me situation, the dude wins. I will prevail!

For now, all I have to say is, “Gwennie, eat a bag of dicks. This whole department thinks you suck more than Ray Rice volunteering at a women’s shelter.”

Weigh In

| butisaidit

This morning is officially the FIRST day of my self-imposed weight loss challenge. I’m giving myself until June 1, 2015 (can’t forget the year, otherwise I would just say I meant 2019) to fit COMFORTABLY in a size 8 at The Limited (it’s where I buy 85% of all my work clothes), or get down to 160 pounds. I think those 2 things will line up, but if they don’t, I’ll take whichever is greater. Meaning, if I’m 170 pounds and wearing a size 8, I consider that making my goal. Or, if I’m 160 pounds and still wearing a size 10, goal accomplished.

Today I weighed in at 187 pounds and I am a comfortable size 12.

In order to get to my goal weight, I am mandating that I must go to the gym 5 days a week. When I say “go to the gym” I really mean work out, but I live in the arctic October through April so working out 99% of the time means going to the gym. Conversely, my gym has a full salon and restaurant so I could go there and never actually do anything beneficial in regards to my weight loss goal.

Enter negative reinforcement – If I don’t work out at least 5 days a week, until June 1, 2015 or until I reach my weight loss goal, I have to donate $50.00 to the worst organization I can possibly think of. At the beginning of each week, I’ll post the name of the organization, then I’ll follow by putting my previous week’s workouts in the post – to keep me honest – along with my weight and an occasional faceless body shot, in the name of fat shaming. I didn’t want to postpone starting, using the excuse, “I weigh in on Thursdays, so I’ll just start then” said in a really whiny voice, so this week will be short, Sunday to Thursday. Being only 5 days, I’ll give myself 1 workout rest day, so this week there will be 4 workouts and I’ll start the 5 days and the full challenge Thursday, January 8, 2015. This week, my organization of an undesirable nature is the Westboro Baptist Church. MAN, those guys suck…. Wish me luck!

Dummies

| butisaidit

As I mentioned, I work for a multi-billion dollar company, in the marketing department. You would think that I work with super smart, super qualified people, but nope. I work with people who are really good self-promoters, mostly. I’m not good at self promotion, so I’ll most likely never go anywhere, unless it’s out the door with my belongings in a box. You might be asking yourself, “Why would she stay? What’s keeping her there?” It’s a pretty easy question to answer. I’m over-paid and the job is a cake walk.

Now, I’m not an “easy-going” type, so on a regular basis my job pisses me right the hell off. Actually, it’s no the job, it’s the people. If I didn’t have to talk to anyone, EVER, I would LOOOOOVE my job, but I’m in marking so that ain’t gonna happen. Recently, I’ve taken to jotting down when someone I work with says something really, really, really stupid so I can come home and share it with my husband and kids and we can all share a laugh at the expense of the idiots I work with. It makes me feel better about myself while they’re getting their promotions and raises – sort of like getting dressed (not dressed up, just out of my pajamas) and doing my grocery shopping at Wal-mart. AND, if I get this much joy out of the stupid shit stupid people say, I really ought to share it. Don’t you agree?

So far I’ve heard:

“Let me preference this by saying…..” Preference it? Really? I think you mean preface, jackhole.

Preference = that which is preferred

Preface = something preliminary or introductory

“Is that hitting below the line?” Nope, but your idiocy is hitting below the belt.

“I’ll be going through this presentation with a fine toothed eye.” THANK GOD. Better make sure there isn’t anything in the presentation that’s going to make you sound stupid.

“We need to get our ducks together.” How ’bout you get your shit together, then you can get your ducks in a row.

“We have to consume the role of partner.” As I was typing, I actually spelled it “roll” as in an item you would actually consume. For now, I’ll just assume you are also WAY over-paid.

“It’s the higher arking message.” It’s the higher place of protection or security; refuge; asylum message? Nope. Wrong. Try again asshat.

“Are we all in agreeance?” That you’re a moron? Yep… we’re all in agreeance.

“We had a loop thrown at us.” Seriously? Did it hurt? I bet you can get workers comp for that shit, or at the very least some sick days to address your PTSD.

There are more, I just can’t think of them right now – I’ll have to go through my notes and post the rest. My husband routinely asks why I don’t correct them. My answer, “Why would I?” These dipshits are the people that make my life miserable. They would feed me to a pack of rabid wolves if they could. So instead I take notes, mock and laugh.

Of course, I will be updating after each meeting I’m in. I’m not sure when I made it through a meeting without some stupid person saying something stupid.

You Thought It, But I Said It.

| butisaidit

Diet Ginger Beer…. We are MFEO (Made For Each Other).

I’m sitting on my couch watching the Jon Jones/Daniel Cormier UFC fight tonight with the hubs, and I (the hubs) have found the love of my life, diet (0 calorie) ginger beer. If you’re thinking “uhhhhh?”, then eat a bag of dicks. Moscow mules are the combo of vodka, lime and ginger beer. They’re vodka tonics but with ginger to soothe the stomach and cover the vodka taste. If you use diet ginger beer, as we have tonight, they are DANGEROUS. Dangerously good and, compared to the original version, virtually calorie free.

Now, diet ginger beer is over $8.00 for a 6 pack, but well worth it. Each drink is 90 calories… a bargain at twice the price. I’m one round into the fight and hammered… a joy for all involved.

Lesson for the night – Get some monogrammed copper cups and some diet ginger beer on amazon.com and you’ll be set!

And So It Began

| butisaidit

SO… This s my first post for this blog. I’ve started a half dozen blogs over the last 10 years, but this one is going to last. I’ve finally come up with a blog idea that has daily content. Here are the pages I’m going to be focusing on:

1. Losing My Mind AND My Fat Ass– What happens when your fat ass gains 40 pounds in 4 years? You have to go to the gym – that’s the punishment. What happens when you don’t go to the gym? You stay fat – that’s the punishment. At least that WAS the punishment. I’ve gotta lose 40 pounds, visit the page “Losing My Mind AND My Fat Ass” to follow my progress and share in the CRAZY way I’m going to reach my goal.

2. A Fatty’s Gotta Eat – What I plan on eating versus what I eat while I lose my mind and my fat ass. So, maybe you don’t care (and that’s ok) but at least it will keep the food descriptions and pics out of my Instagram/Pinterest/Twitter/Facebook feeds. Who am I kidding, my Facebook timeline – Ain’t nobody got time for Twitter.

3. You Thought It, But I Said It – Basically, I’m a “Plastic” at heart. You know, Regina George and Cady Heron in Mean Girls? I like to think I’m more Cady, but let’s face it… I’m more Regina. The phrase most notably comes from the movie “White Chicks” where Brittany Wilson says, “I just hope the Vandergeld sisters’ private jet crashes on the way there [to the Hamptons].” and her sister Tiffany replies, “Oh, my god, Brittany!” and Brittany says, “You were thinking it!” and Tiffany says… “I know, but you said it.” Now, I know White Chicks isn’t a cinematic masterpiece, but I often find myself (both intentionally and un) saying the things people are thinking, but won’t say. Why would I be any different hiding behind the anonymity of the internet? Well, I wouldn’t.

4. Stupid People Saying Stupid Shit – I work in the marketing department of a highly professional, highly regulated multi-BILLION dollar company. Numerous times a week I find myself in meetings, feverishly taking notes, jotting down the awesomely horrific things college educated people I work with say. You should check it out. It’s funny, and I should know… I barely made it through high school. Ok, I don’t know how that would qualify an, “I should know” statement, but trust me, these quotes don’t disappoint.

5. Finally, Stupid People Buying Stupid Shit – By stupid people, I mean me and by stupid shit, I mean the stuff I buy. I want to purchase a vacation home in the next 10 years. Both my husband and I work. We do really well. There is one small hurdle to and it’s that I spend way too much on stupid shit and save way too little for the vacation home of my dreams. I’m hoping by publicly shaming myself with stupid purchases, I will STOP THE INSANITY, and actually save more now for what what I want in the future.

Anywho, you’ll probably HATE this blog and that’s ok. The last FB quiz I took was “What Do People Say About You Behind Your Back” and I got, “They HATE You.” Meh, it’s not surprising… I would hate me too.